Lost In Transition

In the mirror there is a reflection, but they are no longer who they once used to be...

(Guest Post: Shannon Allen, CCC, MACP - Perinatal Therapist)

My family is complete. It is truly a wonderful feeling, with a touch of sadness in knowing that part of my life is now over. Now, it’s onto the next phase of life. It should be exciting to no longer feel the fears associated with fertility challenges, pregnancy, and birth. But instead there is a feeling of confusion, a feeling of loss. 

In the mirror there is a reflection of someone who looks familiar, but they are no longer who they once used to be. The transition can be seen and felt in all aspects of her identity; physical, social, emotional, and spiritual. This woman looking back at me has endured significant heartbreak to get to this point, all while sacrificing her body and her way of being. Someone who was fun-loving and spontaneous, is now timid, anxious, and fearful. This reflection may appear normal to others, but I know the truth. She is scared. Scared to lose another child. Scared her husband will fall out of love with her because her body cannot go back to what it was. Scared she will never feel at home in her body again. Will this time of transition ever end? Will a new identity as a mother of healthy children ever be found? Will a place of acceptance ever be reached for what this body has sacrificed? 

I love my children fiercely. I love this family my husband and I have created. I am proud of this life. But, I also loved who I was before starting my journey into motherhood. This loss of identity feels familiar, like the death of a loved one; as I know that former self will never return. I know I am not the only one to experience this loss, however, it still feels shameful to feel this way. 

The overwhelming guilt coming through this reflection feels suffocating. I should feel grateful, only grateful. I should stay silent and only focus on what I have, not what I don’t. 

Would I let any other mother settle for that? I have given everything I could possibly give for my children and for this family. I have felt the deepest pain in becoming a mother. The pain of the two-week wait in a struggle with fertility. The pain of miscarriage. The pain of a terrifying birth experience. The pain of the death of a child. My loss of self deserves to be recognized. My existence and sacrifice deserves to be acknowledged. I deserve to reach a place of acceptance and healing. 

Although I am lost in this transition right now, I will rediscover who I am. I will grieve the loss of who I was in order to make room for who I can be, both as a mother, and as an individual.